According to most relationship books, the key to a solid marriage is communication, communication, communication. Phooey, says John Gottman, Ph.D., author of the much-lauded Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. There's much more to a solid, "emotionally intelligent" marriage than sharing every feeling and thought, he points out--though most couples therapists ineffectively (and expensively) harp on these concepts.

Gottman, the director of the Gottman Institute, has found through studying hundreds of couples in his "love lab" that it only takes five minutes for him to predict--with 91 percent accuracy--which couples will eventually divorce. He shares the four not-so-obvious signs of a troubled relationship that he looks for, using sometimes amusing passages from his sessions with married couples. (One standout is Rory, the pediatrician who didn't know the name of the family dog because he spent so much time at work.)

Gottman debunks many myths about divorce (primary among them that affairs are at the root of most splits). He also reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together. They do engage in screaming matches. And they certainly don't resolve every problem. "Take Allan and Betty," he writes. "When Allan gets annoyed at Betty, he turns on ESPN. When Betty is upset with him, she heads for the mall. Then they regroup and go on as if nothing's happened. Never in forty-five years of marriage have they sat down to have a 'dialogue' about their relationship." While this may sound like a couple in trouble, Gottman found that they pass the love-lab tests and say honestly that "they are both very satisfied with their relationship and they love each other deeply."

Gave me a second chance at marriage

Until about five years ago, I hated my life, my marriage, and my job. I was obsessed to control everything and everyone I could to make my life better. It kept making it worse but the worse it became, the more I obsessed about controling everything. I was spiraling down a tunnel of misery. My marriage was right about to end and I was beginning to have panic attacks. Being a very cynical person, I never thought that these books would actually help. But when the last straw snapped, I became so desperate that I opened this book that a more happily married friend gave me. That was when I saw that there is a way out. Until then I was not able to see how I think and how I behave in any objective way but this book helped me to look at my marriage objectively and this made me realize that I was a big part of the problem and if it was to get better, I need to change myself rather than control other people. I enrolled in a mindfulness and self-awareness training program and that together with this book enabled me to begin identifying my own insecurities and how it was affecting my marriage. My husband was not interested at the time so I was doing this all by myself. But after a few more months went by, my husband realized how I have changed and he became interested in it as well. We now go to different self-awareness programs and use books like this to help us grow in a more positive way. We are now using another book called "The Ever-Transcending Spirit" by Toru Sato as well. This one is also such a great book that it is helping us so much to learn to communicate properly and grow together as human beings. I have read less than fifteen but it is my favorite book on relationships now. Now we actually enjoy doing things together. And when we don't like what the other is doing, we tell them what we are worried about or afraid of instead of offending each other. We appreciate each other more than before and we enjoy just talking to each other like when we began dating many many years ago. I know that we both still have a long way to go but there already is a feeling of peace and centeredness in me that I have never felt before.

Couples' Counseling using Gottman

As an intern in a neighborhood mental health clinic I used the Seven Principles book as a guide for many couples whose relationship was in distress. It was so effective that it became the basis for my Graduate Paper.
There is one big warning. Chapter Two lists the signs of divorce. This list is dangerous to the relationship if one or both read it and get discouraged or scared. I recommend that any couselor who uses this book, take the time to discuss this chapter in depth and emphasize hope. LOTS of HOPE.
Gottman is correct when he says that most couples come into counseling with one foot out the door already. Chapter Two can give them the final 'reason' to bolt out of the relationship.
With that said, I highly recommend the use of this book as a guide to couples' therapy.
Good Luck and Peace in our time, Gregg Max Psy.D.

Useful for Gay Marriages too!

I read this book a while back and have been to John Gottman's lectures and professional workshops. He is a true scientist when it comes to knowing couples and is the first heterosexual couples therapist who has spent time studying Lesbian and Gay relationships with excellent findings on his website www.gottman.com. I highly recommend this book and going to his site to read the research on what he discovered with Gay and Lesbian couples.